This morning my family and friends took part in the March of Dimes 5k, 75th Anniversary, in honor of my son Alexander. It was my first walk that I ever took part in and I must say, it was awesome. So many people came out with their families and friends, it was just so liberating. My emotions were sky high with happiness. My body is so sore but it was definitely worth it. So I was pretty happy for the most part, until I decided to watch a movie.
What movie could I have possibly watched that took my mood down? What to Expect when Expecting. The movie is about 3 couples and 2 people who are all pregnant and show what they go through daily as a couple, what they are feeling, and their concerns. Unfortunately, the 2 people, were not a couple but conceived a child when they hooked up, and suffered a miscarriage. Now I know I did not miscarry, but it hit home base for me as they showed her pain, her tears as a mother who lost a special gift she was longing for. I’ll get back to this part soon.
The last main reason I became overwhelmed with sadness, was the relationship between certain couples. Watching their bond and how happy they were to find out of their little bundle was oddly heartbreaking. To see the husbands and even the two the hooked up, show interest and to bond with their unborn child, and be there for their lady was such a downer for me. Why? Because I never got to experience that. 3 babies, not once. I mean I was 17 when I was pregnant with my very first, 18 when I delivered, but the person I actually bonded with was my daddy. Then with Alexander, I could hardly feel him kick so there was no way my husband could feel. He didn’t know what to do. I mean sure he rubbed my tummy every now and then, but we were both 18 when we married, turned 19 a month later, and became pregnant with him a few months after. As a teen still, I will say it, the males do not understand the importance of bonding and they don’t do it as well as we do. Maybe a tiny handful will be incredible and know what to do, but that wasn’t my case. I had 13 weeks more to bond with him and hope that his kicks would have gotten stronger, at least strong enough for my husband to feel, but hell that never happened did it? No. We didn’t even have enough time to bond with him during the extremely short time he was here.
Then Aiden came along, and my husband was too scared to bond with me or our baby. We still had such a difficult pregnancy that there was hardly anytime to be happy. I really wish all of them could have gone differently, but there’s nothing I could do.
Sometimes I get really crazy and think about getting pregnant right now really soon just so that I can really do my best and focus and have a full natural and healthy pregnancy and labor. Just to prove that I can do it, that all the ones before were not my fault. I watch how amazing it all looks and I wish I could just do it again, just me and my husband, and have time to focus on each other during the labor. But at the same time, I know it’s just a crazy idea to have another baby right now, especially with my toddler and infant, but it’s just a feeling, you know? And I know I can’t change the fact that i’ll always have a high risk pregnancy meaning: weekly shots, possible early labor a few times before actually going into labor full term. I also have no idea if my husband will react the same way, show no excitement, be distant, never bond with me, basically be depressed again.
I know there are people that want me to never have kids again just because of what I went through, and I totally understand their feelings about it, but what they will never understand is my purpose to be a mother, and how deeply I would love to have at least one more baby and to be able to do it right, not as stressful, and with a lot more happiness.
Now back to the pair the hooked up and miscarried. It does show that the man was into pregnancy right before she miscarried. He took pictures, he spoke to her belly, but after, he expressed how much he wanted to be a couple and told her he’ll never understand on her level what the loss meant to her, no one can ever know because it happened to YOU.
It’s crazy how one movie can make you feel this way and bring up so many emotions you were sure you had under control.