Baby #4 Has Arrived!

My family is now complete!

Aaaron Elias Wilson arrived on February 5, 2014 at 5: 16 p.m. He weighed 6 pounds and 11 ounces, 20 inches long. He is absolutely handsome and I am so happy!

1 day old

1 day old 

Labor/Birth Story:

So, I was trying for 2 weeks to self induce because I was having issues with my pregnancy and my doctor mentioned inducing me medically. I have heard stories where labor becomes difficult, long, and painful, when it comes to medically inducing labor, so I was determined to try and start labor on my own. I tried sex, warm bath, acupressure, chiropractic adjustments, stripping of my membranes, talking to baby, labor inducing cookies, spicy foods, eggplant parmesan, labor cake, just about anything! Everyone kept telling me baby will come when he is ready, but I don’t believe that, especially since babies come way too early…you’re telling me they are ready then? I don’t think so. That’s the one comment that grinds my gears.

Anyways, I had been contracting for weeks, and I was dilated to 2 centimeters, but less than 50% effaced, and baby was not engaged. I was in so much pain all the time. This pregnancy has been the most painful out of all of them. February 4th, I spent much of the day walking up and down the stairs at my dads house. Then about 4 p.m., I started to get painful contractions that started to get very close to each other. I did not want to go to the hospital because I assumed they would stop right when we got there. My husband timed my contractions to be 2 minutes apart, lasting anywhere from 45 seconds to a little over a minute. My dad was 100% sure that this was finally it and spoke to my husband and they forced me to go to the hospital haha.

So we got to the hospital at 5 p.m., since it’s less than a mile away from us. I was hooked up to the monitor and about 2 hours into it, I asked for some type of pain medication. The delivered an IV medication which made me very loopy and sleepy, and suddenly in my sleep, contractions stopped. I was so upset, but the doctor on call wanted to keep me overnight to see if contractions would start back up. All night long, nothing. Then my husband left for work around 5 A.M. At 8 A.M., right when I was so sure I would be sent home for false labor, my water broke! I was so relieved!!! I texted my parents and my mother-in-law to let them know. I texted my husband since he cannot answer phone calls at work, and he works about 40 minutes away. He was so surprised and said he would try to be back by noon. My mother could not make it since she had a major project proposal in Chicago, and my dad was watching my kids. My mother-in-law arrived to make sure I wasn’t alone. I was in TONS of pain, and asked for pain medicine again. Before they gave it to me, the nurse told me that I would have to receive Pitocin to speed up the labor and start contractions because they became very irregular and wouldn’t dilate me, and they would raise the Pitocin level every half hour. I managed to fall asleep for an hour and when I woke up…from a very painful contraction, my husband was there! He said he couldn’t wait and had to come be with me…how sweet!! During a loopy episode after receiving another dose of the IV medication, I started to send my husband very odd texts that did not make sense whatsoever, and of course he kept the texts to show everyone!

Well, I still wasn’t dilating enough, so the nurse raised the Pitocin level even higher in less than 15 minutes…every 15-20minutes. Then suddenly contractions came raging in from 30seconds to 1 minute apart, lasting 50 seconds to 65 seconds. My word, they were so intense. I could hardly breathe!! And of course my dilation still took so long!!! Then, the nurse came in to talk about an epidural because the contractions were so intense, baby’s heart rate continued to drop dramatically and explained to me that an epidural will make the contractions less intense and stabilize my body and my stress level. So I agreed, although I really wanted to do without it, but even the IV medication would not stabilize my pain whatsoever. The epidural was SO painful. I definitely felt it more on my left side. Now, I started to dilate. My dad arrive around 3 P.M., he has always been by my side ever since my first baby! I am indeed a daddy’s girl. At this point I was 6ish centimeters dilated. Then around 5 P.M., I started to feel massive pressure! The nurse came and said I was ready to start pushing and called the doctor. My dad left the room because come on now…even if we are close, he didn’t want to see any of that haha! My mother-in-law stayed in the room with my husband and I. Around 5: 13 P.M., I started to push…3 pushes in 3 minutes and baby was out! I cried, my husband had a beaming smile on his face, and my mother-in-law was crying too! I held my baby boy, while my husband cut the cord, and I swear I was looking into the eyes of my angel Alexander.

Aaron, I feel is Alexander. He came back to me. They look absolutely identical, and the second I saw his nose too…I knew it was him. He is such a great baby; super calm and very alert. I adore him so much. Our family is finally complete and I couldn’t be more happier. I will post photos soon!! My pregnancy may have been incredibly difficult, and my labor was hard as hell, but the delivery was very easy, and I am so blessed to have my healthy baby. I love how funny and supportive my husband was, and the only thing I would change, was definitely making sure my mother was there. But you can’t control it all. Aaron is our last baby and tomorrow is actually the day I sign and schedule for a tubal ligation!

Fear of Labor

As many know, I am pregnant with my fourth baby. This pregnancy has been difficult but not as much as my previous with Aiden. I am currently 37weeks pregnant which is awesome that I made it this far.

Anyways, my doctor informed me that my baby is posterior, meaning he is spine to spine with me. Typically a baby should be facing the mother’s spine. This causes much pain since he is pressing against my back/spine and it makes it difficult to walk as well as causing massive pressure. Labor and delivery wise, it means that I will most likely have a very long and difficult labor that may result in a c-section.

Surgery makes me very nervous. When I had my cervical cerclage surgery, that was the only surgery I have ever had and it was very minor, 20minutes long, and i was awake for it. I was shaking and crying even two hours after it was done. So having a c-section scares the hell out of me! Now that I know it will be difficult, memories of my awful spontaneous birth with Alexander takes over my thoughts and now I am beyond scared and stressed. My husband and my dad have been very supportive and comforting. It makes a huge deal when others show they care. I really hope my labor is not as difficult as the doctor explained it might be and I am praying that a c-section is not necessary.

If you ever gave birth to a posterior baby, please feel free to comment about your experience!

Last Child

Ever hear of progesterone? That is a hormone present during pregnancy. Now, a progesterone shot is given to expecting mothers if they have issues making it full term. Basically, more progesterone results in longer pregnancy. Not 100% effective since I went into preterm labor for 3 weeks between 29-31 weeks gestation with my rainbow baby. But I still received the shot after that and made it to 38 weeks.

Now with this baby, I am about 28/29 weeks pregnant. I have been to the hospital about 3 times already with contractions. I receive my progesterone shot every Thursday and I noticed, that night I tend to start cramping a lot, and the next day I usually end up in the hospital. This time, I have been cramping since Wednesday night, not too bad, but all Thursday they did not subside. My nurse gave me the shot and told me to keep watch on the cramps. Now this morning, I woke up with bad back pain, extremely tired, and still cramping. Well, around 2p.m., I went to eat Chinese food with my dad at a nearby restaurant. I was so hungry, but in the middle of eating, I started to cramp up and assumed I was just full. At that point I felt kind of off but thought nothing of it. I came home, laid down with some water and watched Will and Grace, my favorite show. All of a sudden, I started to get really harsh pains and I thought oh geez, diarrhea. I must have gone to the bathroom 9 times thinking it was diarrhea but nothing came out. Finally, the last 2 times, I started to get a bit faint. This pain was making me cry and that is a big deal. If you know me, any pain has to be quite severe to make me shed even just one tear. I called my dad since he lives a mile away and my husband works an hour away, and I told him I can’t handle this pain, I can’t even drive to the hospital which is 5 minutes away.

My dad picked me up. Worried of course but calming me down by saying I probably ate too much. He dropped me off since he was the only one available to be a babysitter for my kids. I walked slowly to the front desk, didn’t even utter a word when a massive contraction struck. I definitely started to cry and almost hit the ground from my legs giving out. I was taken to Labor and Delivery and connected to a monitor. Oh gosh. The contractions were intense and very close. My sister came to comfort me till my husband was near. I’m sure she was uncomfortable because she now never wants to have kids. I was in such a frantic stage that I told her we had to go home because I can’t do this right now and she looked at me with a “bitch please” expression and said how would going home make it any different from how it is now. She was right, obviously. At this point, they gave me an ambion sleeping pill since it can also calm the cervix, and they gave me a shot of turbuline, which is supposed to help stop contractions, makes you very jittery, and speeds up your heart rate. MY GOD. I wanted to rip my arm off. It was such an intense feeling of fire, that I could probably pin point which specific veins were being affected by it. I couldn’t lift my arm for awhile after. Neither one of those medications did anything for me. My sister left and my husband arrived.

Jon was worried of course. It really bothers him to see others in pain when he can’t do anything about it. Not to mention out of all the times we have been to the hospital, this time the pain was far intense. Well, the nurse came in to check if my cervix was dilated and it was not. So they sent me home. Since my contractions wouldn’t stop, they just told me to stay completely off my feet and if they get really intense and close together tonight, to go back right away. This is so stressful! I have been timing these contractions and ugh I just want them to stop. It feels like I pulled or ripped a muscle mixed with a severe case of diarrhea starting from your back and wrapping itself to the front. Seriously, this pain was so bad, I’m so sure this is going to be our very last baby. I can’t possibly go through with this, especially if this pain is just half of what I’ll actually be feeling during ACTIVE labor. I’m upset because I wanted to handle my labor without an epidural or spinal, but now with that pain, I don’t think I can handle it with just statol. My mind is just spinning. Baby’s weight is estimated to be 2lbs 7oz., which was last week and the 2 weeks before that, he was 1lb 12oz. So i’m hoping if baby is born, he’ll be 3 pound with strong lungs.

I just can’t help but to recall every thing I can possibly remember from Alexander’s labor and delivery. It was just so awful, traumatic, and shocking, that some of it I managed to block out and not remember. I just know the pain was just…no words to describe how bad it was. Now all these fears are flooding back to me and making me even more stressed. I should probably attempt a shower and head to bed.

Writers Block?

The one thing I really wanted to do was to wright a book based on my life from the moment I lost my son to how I managed to survive till now. My hopes were to inspire others that have gone through a loss and to educate those who have not, to find better ways to help the grieving than saying “At least you can try again”, or “things happen for a reason”. I have been trying to write my emotions and what I want to say for the last 2 years and I am so confused. I have written countless of pages, different chapters, 5 versions of one chapter, and so on. Still, I cannot figure out how I want to start my book. Do I want to open up with conflict? Should I start it off by the day of my wedding and lead off into the horror that occurred 3 days later or wait to introduce that until after I show the reader how I came to be with my husband? Should I instead open up with a fight between my husband and I to show the difficulty of marriage after a loss? So many questions!! I want to be able to reel in my readers with the first paragraph. I have done research and still I cannot find how I want to go about doing this.

Should I write this story in third person or complete narrative, “I” form? This is such a difficult process. Then, I also have to search for a publicist/agent. So much to think about before even thinking about giving the book a final complete deadline. Along with this book, I want to start a series that relates to the first one. Sequels. I have 3-5 ideas, but how can I even begin to think about those when I can’t even write the first page of the first book? Stressing much? Yes, indeed. I also want to start a whole different series of Children’s Books based on my children and my daughter and her cousin. Both fictional and non-fictional. I already have 6 stories down but I still need to go over them and make sure they aren’t repeats of anything I read before. My daughter gives me ideas because come on now, the best way to write a children’s story is with creativity and imagination and the person with these amazing qualities are of course a child. She also draws pictures which I plan to use as illustrations for the books. So much to do. 

On top of all that, I am 26 weeks pregnant. I have been stressing with pains and fear of preterm labor again and that all adds up when I’m trying to get a clear thought from my clouded mind. My son, who is now a year and half, is practically glued onto me all the time and my daughter’s jealousy has gotten to the point where I absolutely need to try and give her all my attention. Crazy times going on. Not to mention the holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas AND with that comes my twin sisters 18th birthday, my mother’s birthday, my daughter’s 4th birthday. I need to make private time to get my thoughts going and processing. Once the new year hits, i’ll be on labor watch. I really want to get at least half of the book done by the time the baby is born in February since my time then will be completely taken up but doctor appointments, school, activities, babies everywhere, and the month of March is completely booked with birthday parties. Come April, we plan to baptize our son then BAM right into May that has my brother’s birthday, my aunt’s birthday, and Aiden’s 2nd birthday. Then before I know it, we are half way through the year of 2014. Geez, just going through all of this is giving me a headache. You see now why it is so hard to try and get something done? But no matter what, I plan to have this book half way done in a few months and come next August, I will be attending college. I have put my goals on hold for too long! 

The Scream of A Grieving Mother

Years can go by, and every now and then , the pain of losing a child hits hard as if we have just been told our child would not make it. Quiet, lonely nights, we cry. Movies and songs break your heart in ways others might not understand. 

I watched Tangled the other day with my daughter and on the scene where the king and queen are about to release the floating lantern for their lost daughter and the king sheds a single tear, I cried. I felt that drop in my chest. Images and poems related to baby loss can trigger such a release of hidden emotions, sometimes I swear I can’t handle it. I hate when people say be happy for the kids you do have…I am happy that I have my kids but that doesn’t the erase the fact that one is missing. I could have 15 more rainbow babies and the hole in my heart will never heal. My world shattered, but didn’t come to an end.

No matter how much I wanted to die, I had to keep going. I kept going for the child I did have. It was difficult to hide my emotions from her, but in her own way, she knew mommy wasn’t okay. I felt that a child younger than 2, shouldn’t have to feel the pain of grief. But no matter how much I tried so hard to act as if nothing happened, I mentally couldn’t. If people bothered to ask, they would have known that I was in fact mentally ill for awhile. I was in shock. My husband was the first to notice. I started talking in jibberish. Somehow I would combine words into one and assume I said them normally. Sentences were unfinished or didn’t make any sense, but to me they did. I could sit in a room with a lot of people but still be an entirely different place. I could look at someone while they were talking to me, but their words just weren’t reaching me. I started smiling at nothing and frowning at emptiness. I would have done anything to keep him here with me.   

If you didn’t experience my unbearable pain, my tears, my rage, my sorrow, don’t even for a second think you have the right to tell me how I should deal with it. I don’t ask anyone for permission on how I should grieve. I don’t ask anyone for their opinion on the way I grieve. So many people have voiced their opinions on my loss, here’s the thing, you never bothered to ask or find out what actually happened, you never bothered to ask how I was after or how I handled it, you never bothered to ask how I made it to where I am now. How could anyone have an opinion on something they only heard? Since when has that ever been reliable? If you knew me before my loss, you sure as hell don’t know me now. If you simply know me now, I have to break it to you, but you really don’t “know” me or what I am about. Did you know I smile in front of others because I know my pain makes them uneasy? I perfected a laugh and smile that makes people forget I was ever in pain. How about this, did you know I cry just about every night? I bet you didn’t. The real me holds in pain and anger because even I am afraid of what will happen if I allow them to come out. My own pain scares me. Yes I have my moments of joy with my family and my children, but the wonder of what could have been always lingers like a black cloud over a beaming circus. 

You don’t feel the guilt I have. You would be in shock if you could feel the level of guilt and rage I have over myself. A thousand people can tell me it wasn’t my fault but you know what? This isn’t an episode of “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” I was in LABOR. How could I have not known that? How could I have just put ALL of my trust into one nurse who misdiagnosed me instead of trusting my own body? Yeah. Trusting my body. My body which is supposed to  carry a baby full term. My body that betrayed me yet played two faced as I felt it crush together as it worked against itself to hold in my son. I was alone while my husband ran to get the nurses. Why did he run? Because I wasn’t about to press the call button and WAIT for up to 10 minutes for someone to show up. I was alone waiting, while my baby SLIPPED out of my body and landed in my hands. I held him up. I felt his body heat, I felt his movement. As they took him from me, I felt that drop. The same drop I feel when something reminds me of him. Tell me how you would feel experiencing that, then as you’re still there pushing out the placenta, being told that your’e son wont make it because they cant bring his heart rate up? That very moment I could still see her mouth move but I couldn’t hear her or anything else in the room. I didn’t get a picture with my son like others did. They didn’t bother to wait for me, the mother, to take the first/final picture with him. I felt him die. I felt him leave. This wasn’t a breakup, this wasn’t a situation a person could “dwell” on. It stays with me every single day of my life. It’s a weight that will always fight me and try to push me down and still I keep moving forward. If you ever find yourself telling a grieving mother something that starts with “At least”, just shut up. How can you look me in the eyes and tell me i’ll be okay? Would you be okay? Can you even imagine how you would react or live your life every day after? Telling me i’m strong isn’t good. It’s basically making me feel like I don’t have a right to break down and give up. I have every right to be defeated and lay down. It was MY choice to keep fighting and moving forward. I’ve tried writing letters to my son but none are every good enough to finalize. How could you ever begin to tell your son how sorry you are that you couldn’t save him? 

I had a plan. Why wasn’t it good enough? The disappointment I felt from others who were excited just added more pain. My husband. His first baby. His first boy. He had to sit there holding my hand watching me suffer and couldn’t do a damn thing about it. He watched as I lost my mind over the next few months. He heard me have nightmares of reliving my labor and delivery with my son. Yes I had nightmares every day for months. I felt the physical pain again, I felt the emotional pain again. Till this day I have that nightmare every now and then, and that’s the only dream I ever have of my son. My siblings were excited for their first nephew. My mother was broken because she knew of all the pain I have ever experienced in my life and knew how hard I turned my life around to be a better person just to have this happen and shatter every thing I worked hard for. My father. The strongest man I know. The man who never showed sadness or shed a tear in my 19 years of life until my son died. How do you think I feel knowing that his greatest sadness and first tear was from a baby I was the mother of? It destroyed me. It still hits me so hard to remember him crying next to me in the hospital bed. I have seen everyone else cry, but never him. Being the mother of the angel baby that brought heartache and tears to your family and friends, till this day, well it’s just something you can’t ever get over. It’s an intense and massive pain. The small yet painful stab when someone “forgets” you have another child. The pain of having to explain how a child is missing. Tell me how i’m supposed to move on from all of that? Tell me if you can imagine yourself going through all that and then while you’re at it, tell me how long it would take for you to get over it. Every pregnancy and labor I have is taken over by fear of repeat and traumatic memories. Sure i’m still living, but I always have the weight over me. I live in questions that will never be answered. My baby’s body lies within an urn, now ashes. I can’t comfort him, I can’t cuddle him, I can’t kiss him goodnight. I’ll never know his smile, his cry, his tears…I may feel his spirit and see him within the gleam of my children’s eyes, but even that breaks me down because the simple fact that I even have to wonder. 

I try hard to make it through every day. I try hard to make something of myself because as much as I am broken by his loss, I want him to know that I am still moving forward and his death will not be in vain. I want to tell my children when they understand that they have a guardian angel watching over them. I honor my son. I do things to better myself because of him. I have goals that I intend to accomplish in his name. I will always love my beautiful heartbreak. He was darling angel. My sweet little Alexander. 

Baby Loss Awareness Day

October 15 was Baby Loss Awareness Day. It’s another day that really takes an emotional toll on me. Of course, I think of my baby every single day, but on his birthday which is also his death anniversary, holidays, family occasions, and this day, I really think about him and how things would be if he was here with us. Then when I hear of a friend who has gone through the loss of a child, it just breaks my heart because I know how their pain can never be eased by words and no matter how many days go by, time will never make it better. It does help when family and friends send me messages, poems, pictures, and say they thought of me and Alexander, especially when I don’t say something for them to remember. When someone remembers on their own, that is truly touching to me. 

I have had a better pregnancy with baby #4, but the slightest issue sends me into a frenzy of panic with fearful thoughts that i’m going to go through the same experience as I did with Alexander. I have been trying very hard to stick with the idea of natural childbirth, no medications for pain whatsoever. Why am I concerned about this? Yes, child labor and birth is painful for many women, but for those of you who have no experienced the great massive pain of your body working against itself to stop a labor…well there are just no words to describe such a pain. Put it this way, the pain was so bad that it severely traumatized me from ever thinking another labor will go well. If people remember, I did go through labor and delivery once before my awful loss and I remember the pain and what I experienced the second time around was in no way near as painful. I even had a third child, and I did get an epidural due to complications. I did experience some pain, but still I did not enjoy it. I really want to feel and be able to actually experience labor and delivery without anything in the way. But my fear of the pain is just so unbearable. My husband has been a great supporter and reassuring me that I can do it and he’ll help me. But as always, it’s easier said than done. 

I am at 24 weeks now, which means once I hit 27 weeks, my stress level will be on the massive side and although I know that stress is a big factor in why things go wrong, it’s incredibly hard NOT to be stressed. My first son, was born and died at 27 weeks, my second son tried to come at 29 weeks and I was in constant pain in the hospital for 3 weeks till doctors were able to stop my labor. Basically, once I hit 27 weeks…I will not be stress-free until I hit 31 weeks. I just wish I could have a simple pregnancy that I can enjoy. But that will never happen again. 

To All Mothers

When my son died all the way till now, I have heard numerous comments that were inspiring, helpful, sweet, and down right rude. To those who do not have children, you do not have any place to say anything to a woman who experienced losing a baby due to miscarriage even if it was as early as 5 weeks, preterm, stillborn, SIDS. Why? Because you could never ever possibly know how one should even begin to feel. I strongly believe that the second a woman is pregnant, that makes them a mother. There is no set in stone definition that says you are only a mother if your child was born and alive.

To those who have children or even one child and says rude remarks: Look at your child or children right now. How would you feel if they weren’t there because you suffered a miscarriage, stillborn, or SIDS? Or in my case, how would you feel if one of your children or your child was born prematurely and you delivered that precious baby by yourself and saw him or her moving and within 2 hours you see them lifeless? How do you think that would make you feel? Would that make you regret saying those rude things to me trying to tell me how I should feel or grieve or get over it?  Everyone experiences happiness, sadness, anger, and grief in many ways and none are never the exact same. Telling me that maybe I did something wrong is absolutely horrid. Telling me to get over the death of my son because he was just a baby…you deserve to be slapped. I know many mothers in my life and unfortunately some of them had negative things to say to me about it. I know damn well had that happened to you, you would be incredibly devastated and most likely act the way I did or worse. So what if I had my rainbow baby? How could you dare say I replaced Alexander?

God punishes those who cause more pain to those already suffering by making them go through the pain the other has endured. I would never in a million years wish for anyone to experience what I did but I am not God and only he will decide what to do with you.

I suffer every single day of my life wondering if there was any way I could have saved him. I look at my son now and wonder if that’s how my baby would have looked. Every movie and every song that has any link to my memory of him breaks me down. Every new baby boy brings me happiness and a broken heart. I wonder how my life would be now had he lived. At night I relive the traumatizing pain and suffering of the night my son was born in my dreams. How would you feel if you relived the most horrible moment of your life almost every single time you close your eyes? The worst pain any person can go through is losing their child no matter what the age.  How dare anyone have anything negative to say. I am not one of those people that will be shocked and sit there in silence or walk away. I am the one who will stand up and call you out on your ignorance and cruelty. I believe any mother has the right to smack a person when they dare say anything about your child in pain. A miscarriage is losing a baby. A baby. Not a a thing, a fetus, an embryo. No matter what the stage, that little life form is indeed a baby and the mother was filled with joy to hold that baby one day but did not get the chance to.

Then others say by celebrating your baby’s birth or death date is to dwell on the past. This wasn’t a break up. My baby DIED. You can never dwell on the death of a child. Because he is dead that means he is not important enough to celebrate his birthday than a child alive? Don’t even try and explain how I am wrong especially when you have never experienced that. No death of a child is greater than another, they are all absolutely horrible and life changing. If you have lost a child, my heart breaks for you, but do not put down another woman just because her “miscarriage” was too early and doesn’t mean it was a baby yet. I would never say my child’s death is greater than a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I HATE it when women try and compare losses. Or when their child died during childhood instead of miscarriage or infancy…I grieve for you but I will not be put down by someone telling me at least you didnt raise your son for a few years and then lose him. I would have LOVED more time with my son before I said goodbye. I would have loved to see his smile, hear him cry, feel his tiny hands grasp my finger. I would have begged for more pictures of him rather than his death photos. 5 pictures of my son, DEAD, and not one of them with me. Why? Because the photographer didn’t think to wait for me to stop my bleeding enough to take one of me holding him. Look, a loss is a loss no matter what age or gestation period. It’s painful, it never heals, it never gets better. Don’t ever tell someone to get over any loss.

If you are offended by this post, then I bet you are one of those people who harass and bring down those that suffered the loss of a baby and I have no respect for you at all.

Our Reasons to Renew Vows

Typically, couples renew their wedding vows when they reached their silver or gold anniversary and in rare cases when they overcome a big obstacle. These rare cases are a chance for the couple to relive the most important day of their lives and to show each other that the toughest battles are won when they are together and show love and compassion for one another. After a loss, or tough event, couples go through such a difficult time with each other questioning their bond, their relationship, who is to blame, and more; so it’s understandable that if they get through something like that, they would want to share their love for each other with a big or small celebration. 

Our wedding was on June 18, 2010. I was 27 weeks pregnant with our first child together, a boy, and after going through preterm labor 3 days later for 2 days, he died June 22, 2010 from heart failure. Looking at our wedding pictures, it just brings us pain. We were so excited to have our first son together and Liliana was so excited to be a big sister. It still brings us so much pain to have to remember such a great day in vain. No matter what anyone says, the loss of our son will always make our wedding look like a distant shadow. It devastates me still just as much as it did when it happened. I remember my wedding dress fitting tight because I had ordered it before I found out I was pregnant and wore gym shoes instead of heels. The day itself didn’t go great but that’s not important right now. I feel so angry when people talk about my wedding saying it was so much fun because it wasn’t for me and I will never remember it as a happy day. 

My husband came to me with the idea to renew our vows a year ago. I know it’s a fantastic idea for us because we went through so much trying to deal with the loss of our son. We separated a few times, we couldn’t communicate and now that we are in such a great place, he thinks it’s a great idea to start planning out our vow renewal. We expressed our excitement with some people and shockingly, we received some negative feedback. Some said we were dwelling on the past, others said it’s a waste of money and rude to invite guests and have them bring gifts and money again…well here is what I have to say to all that rudeness:

First off, there is NO such thing as dwelling on the past when it has to do with the loss of your child so how dare anyone say that to any grieving parent. To say any vow renewal is a waste of money is just bullshit. Don’t worry how we pay for it, expressing your love to each other in whatever form you choose is never a waste of money. Then to say it’ll be rude to the guests, it is proper etiquette to express on the invitation on restrictions with gift giving if you choose to. So you can back off thinking we are doing this just for gifts and money. I didn’t get the wedding I wanted and I don’t get the chance to remember it with smiles and joy so I think we have the right to renew our vows for whatever reason WE decide. 

I feel that we are doing a great thing by renewing our vows. Almost having the wedding I always dreamed of. Some people say you already had a wedding, that was it, nothing you can change about it…to any person who has never had a tragic event happen on our days before/after your wedding, you have NO right have an opinion that criticizes a couple for wanting to renew vows or redo a wedding. It’s like a party that people always love going to because there is great music and free food. No one is charging you to come or demanding you bring a gift or money especially when the invitation says NO GIFTS OR MONEY. This is an event for everyone to just come together for a couple and enjoy themselves. Do you criticize a person for having multiple parties for fun or birthdays? No. 

I am blessed to have a husband who wants and believes renewing our vows would be a great thing for us. I get to wear my gown that will actually fit, I don’t have to look at the pictures and be reminded of a devastating time in our lives, and I get to express my love to my husband in front of our closest family and friends. What problem is there? Why should any person have something negative to say about this? If you think it’s a bad idea, shut the hell up and just don’t go. Negative people are more than welcomed to steer clear from a great and amazing day like that. 

I have many feelings when it comes to this and when it comes to the excitement people have about things that others feel the need to criticize. It really isn’t so hard to let people enjoy their happiness and excitement. If you feel the need to criticize on the happiness of others then maybe you should take a step back and see the problem in your life that makes you so negative. 

If you want to renew your vows or do something to express your love for one another, then do it no matter what anyone has to say about it. People will always express the most judgement on situations they have never experienced. 

Random Post

Things at home have been so crazy. Big announcement soon! Anyways, yesterday was the Fourth of July and I spent it with family and Aiden. Liliana went to her father’s for the weekend so of course it wasn’t the same. It always upsets me to have to go through a holiday and family gatherings without her and if there is one thing I have to say to young teenagers about sex is this: Be careful with what you decide to do because if your relationship does not last, the biggest trouble is having to share your child(ren). That has been my toughest issue so far. But of course, every child deserves to be a part of both parents lives. 

Something beautiful happened that lifted up my spirits. On my way to my parents house yesterday, I pulled up to the driveway and saw one small blue balloon roll down the street. As it came up to my parents home, I thought I would have to chase it to get it but when I approached it, it stopped. Mind you, it was also windy that morning. I nearly broke down in tears of joy. To me, that was definitely a sign from my angel Alexander letting me know he watches over us and Liliana when she isn’t home. That made me entire week. I wish I could talk to him, or even dream about him. I’ll have a post soon about his memorial celebration when I have the strength to put it up. 

We have so many big decisions coming up and I knew this year would be filled with events but I definitely did not expect all of this. Needless to say, I am very happy but very nervous. We have also decide to redecorate the entire house and add a few things. There is so much for us to look forward to and stress has been a pest with trying to come in between of our fun. But as my husband and I have learned, no matter what happens one day, the next is another that holds so many possibilities. We made it this far after going through so many obstacles that seemed impossible. I have complete faith in my family and can’t wait to continue more posts for this year. 

My Superman. My daddy.

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Anyone can tell you my dad and I are closer than queso and chile in Chile Relleno. Since I was in diapers, my dad is who I always wanted to be with. My mother worked a lot so my dad became my best friend. I was his “muneca” his doll. He did my hair in the same half up do with my pony tail in a braid and put me in the cutest dresses he would bring back from a trip to Mexico. I was eventually very close to my mom, and don’t get me wrong my mother is a fantastic woman, very strong and independent but that’s for another post later lol. This is about my dad. He was my coach in tball all the way up to my last year fast pitch park softball. I came to him when I had my heart broken, when I had a problem with bullies, and more. We are definitely the same person. I have his athletic ability, his dancing heart, his strong attitude, and without a doubt his anger and stubborness. We bumped heads a lot but when he would go too far, he would always apologize. I was his first baby girl and he was very old school in the sense that girls don’t hangout with boys and all that lol. He was very overprotective of me and he still is but with less of a grip. My dad is the life of the party. You can find him dancing his heart out,  laughing, saying something absolutely having nothing to do with what anyone is talking about but incredibly hilarious. For instance, one time my brother and my sisters and I were talking about ghosts and my dad comes up to us did you just see what was on television and we assumed it had to do with ghosts and he goes what did the green grape say to the purple grape, breathe breathe!!!

When I became pregnant with my daughter, my first baby, at the age of 17, he was beyond disappointed in me, I didn’t expect any other reaction from him. But throughout my pregnancy, he took me to most of my appointments, he made sure I ate right and kept me on my feet in a healthy way. I remember one night, when I was 31 weeks pregnant, I had intense pain in my chest at like 2 in the morning, laying down made it a lot worse and I was breathing heavily and started to have pains in my stomach. My dad woke up to check on me and decided I should go to the emergency room. He was very tired but stayed there with me. I had heart burn, but it was bad enough that it triggered contractions so they had me on fluids to prevent me from going into labor. Thankfully they stopped and I was able to go home. When I did finally go into labor, I was put in the waiting room because the rooms were filled. My dad was furious and yelled at a nurse to find me a room and would you believe it? They had a room available that second..crazy. my dad was with me from the moment my water broke to hours of waiting to see my daughter after they took her away from swallowing the fluid during delivery. He was the very first person to hold my baby girl and from that moment on, they became best friends. It was incredible to see the bond my dad had with my daughter. She knew his voice even before she was born. She would kick and the vibration of his voice and when she was born, she would search the room and move her head to the sound of his voice even if we were in a crowded room. He took her on walks, to the playground, had her sleep on his chest, took her on bike rides, everything! He went with me to all of her doctor appointments. She still calls him daddy from time to time but he is her “Papa Lion”.

My pregnancies are also never easy. With my daughter I had hyperemesis gravidarum which is when you vomit everything all day and night. I was constantly hospitalized and getting fluids from and IV. With Alexander I was always weak just like with my daughter. I was very thin, pale, and always looked ill. When I went into labor with my son Alexander, my parents had Lilia. I kept my dad updated. I told him when we went into the hospital and what was going on but when I was told my son wouldn’t make it, I stopped texting him. I was in shock and there was no way I could even bring myself to text them something like that. After they baptized my son, they wheeled me out of the room and right there was my dad coming and I broke down crying that my baby died and all he said was I know the nurse told me. He was up and about pacing back and forth in the room and would stop to listen to me if I spoke. Once my mom got there and few other family members, he finally laid in the hospital bed with me and told me he had so much planned for my baby and for the first time in the 19 years of my life, I saw my dad cry. It broke my heart even more and till this day thinking about it brings me to tears. I was destroyed that this was why he had cried. I felt that somehow I took away his only grandson from him and I was the reason for his pain. My dad expressed emotions before, like happiness, anger, sillyness, but sadness let alone crying was definitely not one. It tore me apart. A few weeks after, I would still cry, but I was in a state of shock and I knew my dad was uncomfortable. The only death he has ever experienced was his father in 1991 so this was not something he knew how to handle. He told me one day that I had to move on already and that hurt pretty bad to hear. My mom explained to me later that that is his way of trying to make me feel better, and I understood.

When I became pregnant with my son Aiden, I was kind of scared to tell my dad. My husband and I decided to wait to tell anyone until we did the ultrasound to make sure everything okay and because I would have to get a cervical cerclage (stitch in cervix) to prevent any early dilation and that would mean needing surgery SO someone would have to watch my daughter since I would be hospitalized overnight so I had to tell them. My mom took it well but i’m sure she was worried and wanted to me to be stress free. When I told my dad I quickly added it’s a boy at the end because I felt that that would make him feel better. He asked me if I was happy, and I said yes, and he said good that’s all that matters. OH MY! I was so relieved. When I visited him, he made sure I ate good, asked me how I was feeling.

When I went into preterm labor with Aiden, I was terrified. My mom stayed with me as well as my husband and my MIL. My dad was sick so he couldn’t. I remember my mom calling me and saying my dad was going crazy not being able to come see me and take care of me and that he wants to yell at someone there. He always wants to make sure everyone is doing their best to take care of me. My dad, mom, MIL, and my husband were with me during my labor and my dad stepped out for the delivery and came in right after to see my bundle of joy. After though, he told me I should stop having kids because I practically die from pregnancy, and well yeah it’s expensive and because I don’t want to risk losing another baby. It hurts me to hear him say that because I would like another baby YEARS from now and I would want him to be happy for me and support me. But I do understand him and to me that’s him expressing to me that he cares about me so much and that he still has pain from the loss of Alexander. He is my daddy and I will always be his little girl.  He visits me just about every day. My daughter adores him so much and always wants to be with him. She takes after me. Both of my kids love him so much.

My dad is my Superman. He is the strongest man in the world to me and helps everyone in the best way he can. He has a hard working soul and determination. Very smart. He is practically the families doctor, therapist sometimes haha, cook, handyman, everything! I can’t imagine my kids having anyone else for their grandpa. He may be a tough guy, but kids melt his heart. He is very nurturing. The second my kids hear his voice or see him, they go running into his arms with the biggest smiles beaming on their little faces. My daddy is my hero. I would be lost without him. I am a better parent because of him and of course my mother. He taught me to do my laundry hence why I can do it now lol, he teaches me still how to cook, and we even go out to lunch together just him and I and my kids of course. Our thing in the summer is swimming and hitting up garage sales for fun and especially since everyone loves a good deal and you never know what you can find! I have no doubt in my mind that my daughter’s tball coach will be my dad…and that will take place next summer. Very excited for that. He spoils my kids! He brings us clothes and toys for them all the time. He takes them to buy shoes since apparently I suck at getting good shoes haha. He does my daughter’s hair the same way he did mine and always makes sure I have her and my son dressed nice. I love my daddy so much and I am so proud to have him in my life and to be my role model. He even told me that staying at home with a toddler and a baby is very hard and he is proud of me for doing it and would rather work construction, haha! Because of my parents, I have confidence in my role as a nurturing parent.